


It Ain't Easy

by needleyecandy



Series: Silly September [26]
Category: Thor (Comics), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Canon Divergence - Pre-Thor (2011), Curses, M/M, Travel, True Love's Kiss, with some comics thrown in
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-20
Updated: 2016-09-25
Packaged: 2018-08-16 08:38:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8095384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/needleyecandy/pseuds/needleyecandy
Summary: A miscast spell puts a curse on Thor, and he and Loki must travel the realms together in search of the one thing capable of lifting it.Things don't go so well as they might.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I like having several WIPs going at once, so I can work on whichever suits my mood when I have time to write. As a result, nearly all of these fics were in progress at the same time, and I ended up with more posts than there are days in September, so today is the first double day! Enjoy!

Loki turned into the long corridor to their mother's chambers just as Thor was leaving them. This hall was always full of women. There were seidkonas, with whom Frigga liked to talk and practice, scholarly women in sober, practical garb. There were Frigga's waiting ladies, always at hand to provide a new shade of thread for her weaving or to cluster around the queen and weave her hair into elaborate styles. These ladies tended to be younger, most of them sent to Frigga ostensibly to serve and in reality expected to find themselves husbands from among the court. They wore all the color and flamboyance that the seidkonas did not. And then of course there were the endless servants in their simple shifts, sweeping, scrubbing, hurrying down the hall with arms piled high with linens. This was the crowd (the _audience_ , Loki's mind corrected) through which Thor walked.

It was maddening. Thor didn't just walk through them – oh, no, of course he couldn't do something as simple as walk down a busy corridor without making it all about himself – he nodded, and he smiled, and he winked, and he flirted his way right through the admiring horde.

"I wish you could see yourself," Loki told him.

"I have no need when I am surrounded by such charming mirrors," Thor replied. He gave a playful chuck to the chin of a maid. "How do I look today?"

Her cheeks tinted at the attention. "Very well," she answered.

"You see? Ama says I look well, so it must be true." He pulled her close and hovered his lips above hers. She went limp in his arms, gazing up at him adoringly as he looked down at her. "Thank you, Ama," he said, and returned her to her feet. She staggered off to lean against the wall and stare after him in a daze.

"I wish you could see yourself when you do things like _that_ ," Loki clarified. "You don't look _ill_ , you look _ridiculous._ "

"Ridiculous? This smacks of jealousy, little brother," Thor said, clapping Loki on the back. "Though not everyone can be the Mighty Thor-"

"Thank the Norns," Loki muttered.

Thor glared at the interruption. "Though not everyone can be the Mighty Thor," he repeated, more loudly, "you are not an unhandsome man. If you made an effort, I dare say you'd catch the eye of a fair number yourself."

"Some of us have more important things to do than flirt all day," Loki pointed out.

"Simply doing what comes naturally," Thor said. He winked at a passing maid and she sank to the floor with a dizzy sigh. "Join me in some sparring. It will get your blood up."

"I was on my way to consult with mother about a spell I came across this morning. I wanted to get her opinion on something before I put too much time into it.”

"You should spar with me more often. You never know when an attempt will be made on Asgard's borders and sovereignty."

"I spar with you far more than anyone else does," Loki pointed out.

"And yet not enough, for I find myself longing for your company when I am in the ring."

"Then you must long in vain, for I need to consult with mother. Unless you think you can offer me intelligent conversation on this matter?"

"You know I have little interest in spells, and I know you enjoy sparring. It is an unfair comparison."

"It was not meant as a comparison. Simply a question. And I do want to get her thoughts on this."

"Come, brother! Have some faith in yourself. I am sure that your thoughts are quite enough. Try the spell now and you will see that I am right, and then we will spar."

And that was when Loki said the fatal words. "Very well. Let us return to my chambers."

Thor casually linked his arm with Loki’s as they strolled back towards their hall. It was not so long since it had been given to them, sooner than their parents had planned, but it was clear that Thor had grown popular with the ladies, and as it could be centuries yet before he found the one he would desire to wed, it had been deemed best to grant him more privacy in the interim. Loki had gone with him because that was how they were. No matter how they teased and tormented one another, their bond was clear to any who saw them together.

“Have a seat, brother. This will take me a little time to gather together my ingredients,” Loki said when they reached his chambers. He turned to his workbench and paged through the tattered book that laid there.

“Not too long, I trust,” Thor said, but he was already settling comfortably into one of the low plush chairs before the empty fireplace.

“You’ll simply have to be patient, Thor. Work in haste, repent in leisure.”

“It’s _sin_ in haste, you don’t give a fig about sin, and you’ve never repented in your life.”

Loki laughed. “Then it would be a shame if I were forced to start now, wouldn’t it?”

Thor smiled fondly as he put his feet up. “What shall we spar with today? I thought perhaps the staff.”

“Staff or knives,” Loki murmured, not look up from his book.

“You always say knives.”

“And I always leave them buried in your armor. Now hush. I need to concentrate on this.”

The intensity with which Loki focused on his work roused Thor's curiosity. He rose to his feet and approached quietly, watching as Loki’s hands darted about his workbench, adding pinches of this and bits of that to the small cauldron as he murmured the spell. He added the last ingredient with a triumphant flourish. The contents of the cauldron began to sputter and smoke, filling the room with a grayish-purple cloud. When it cleared, Loki looked at his brother.

“Fuck,” said Loki.

“Ribbit,” said Thor.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes I think I'm writing Frigga in character, other times I think maybe I'm just writing her with all the awesomeness I wish I had myself, and then again I wonder if there's really any difference.

Their mother's rooms were as busy as they always were this time of day. Her ladies were bustling about, discussing which dress to lay out for her to wear for dinner, which ribbons to braid into her hair to best complement it. Loki passed them by, going into her workroom, where he found her working with another seidrkona to dry the aelfwort they had collected beneath the previous night's full moon. Three others were over at one side, caught up in a quiet discussion about the most even way to crush a certain type of leaf. Two more were stirring something over the fire.

"Someone please tell me that this is not my son coming to tell me that he turned my other son into a frog," Frigga said without looking up.

The room fell silent. Every other set of eyes in the room turned on him. He was pretty sure even Thor was staring at him from the deep pocket where Loki had (carefully!) nestled him, but Thor's eyes were so prominent now that he kind of looked like he was staring at everything.

"Some say I'm not your son," Loki said feebly.

"Do you really think that's a smart thing to say while I'm holding a knife?" she asked.

"No," he admitted.

"Nor do I. Bring him out, let me see."

Loki reached into his pocket and lifted Thor out. Thor was about three inches long, with a bright spring green back and a pale stomach. He had little feet with broad toes, just right for clinging, and prominent black eyes that shone as he looked about.

"I think maybe he likes being a frog. Look how he's smiling," Loki tried.

Thor croaked loudly.

"That's how frogs look. I don't really think he prefers this," Frigga pointed out. Thor hopped towards her, away from Loki. She picked him up and put him in her own pocket. "Show me what you did."

She followed him back to his chambers. Her footsteps rang loudly with each strike against the marble floor. Just as they reached the grand doors that led to the hall he and Thor shared, they swung open and Sif came out.

"Loki! Have you seen Thor? We had made plans to meet in the sparring ring, but he hasn't arrived," she said.

"He's... he's occupied at the moment. I'll make sure he hears you were looking for him."

She thanked him and took off at a jog towards the grounds.

Loki and Frigga went through and down the long hallway to his chambers. She sighed when she spied the book, still open on his bench. "How old is this book, Loki?" she asked.

"Old, but seidr is immutable. That's one of the things you really pounded –er, _explained_ \- in my lessons. It is eternal and unchanging. So the age of the book shouldn't matter."

"Seidr doesn't change, no. But words do. Is this the spell you used?" she asked, leaning over it.

"Yes."

She read down the page, nodding to herself as she went, until she muttered an oath and looked up. "Do you have more of the cowslips you used?" she demanded.

"I do," he said, retrieving the jar from beneath the bench. "But I collected them myself, and there was nothing unusual about the plants."

She took one look at the jar and rested her face in her hands.

"What's wrong? It said pink cowslips, I used pink cowslips."

"Pink used to be a shade of yellow," she groaned.

That was worrisome. He moved closer and took her arm. "Are you feeling quite well, mother? Perhaps you had best lie down..."

"Of course I'm not well, you turned your brother into a frog!" she snapped. "But nor have I gone mad, which is what you're thinking. This spell was meant to use _yellow_ cowslips. _Not_ these."

"So I did _a_ spell correctly. Just not this one."

"You needn't look quite so pleased with yourself."

"I don't look pleased with myself," Loki said, sounding wounded.

Frigga pointed at the mirror. He caught his reflection and straightened his lips. "Even if you did have the right color, this spell is by far the most complex you've ever attempted. Why in the world didn't you come talk to me first?"

"I was going to! I was on my way there to talk to you when Thor stopped me and said I should just do it myself. It really was all his idea." He gave her the sweet, wide-eyed look that always worked so well.

"That look isn't going to work on me," she told him. "And just because you're in trouble doesn't mean he isn't, but that's something to be addressed later. Right now the thing to do is to figure out what you have cast instead, and how it is to be reversed."

He nodded. "Where should I start?"

"You should start by taking your brother to the pond, he's probably getting hungry. I'll take this book and discuss it with my scholars, and we will see what can be figured out." She put Thor in his hand. The small book fit perfectly into the pocket where she had previously carried her elder son, and then with a whirl of skirts she was gone.

"Come along, Thor. We'll get you some nice bugs to eat while mother figures this out." Thor croaked indignantly but he hopped into the offered pocket.

They went out into the gardens. Their design had been laid out generations ago, but the current plant selection was entirely their mother's. While it was primarily intended for walking and enjoyment, there were also beds of magical plants, and a night garden, and a fragrance garden was laid out just beneath her window. At the back of the pleasure garden babbled a narrow brook, shaded on both sides by weeping cherries until it spilled into a small pond. It was where their mother had taught them to swim, her sure hands beneath their little tummies still round with baby fat.

Loki sat down on the bank and Thor hopped out of his pocket. He flicked his tongue, tasting the air as he looked around before hopping over to the pebbly shore. Loki watched him hesitate just a fraction of a second before jumping in with a splash and swimming with long, sure strokes to the center of the pond. Just above him hovered a cloud of gnats. There were quick flashes of pink as he caught dozens of them with each dart of his tongue until only a few stragglers were left flying out of his reach.

Thor swam back to shore, then, and Loki held his pocket open. If it is possible for a frog to look reluctant, that was how Thor looked, but he got back inside. Loki walked slowly back to their mother's chambers, not entirely ready to face her again but he also didn't know how much control frogs had over their bodily functions and he really didn't want to take so long that Thor might go in his pocket, so he trudged on.

She was waiting for him.

"Did you figure it out?" he asked.

"We did. This spell you cast... Loki, you cursed your brother."

Loki gasped and Thor croaked angrily. "How is it reversed?" he asked.

"Oh, it might take you some work," she answered. She looked... was she _enjoying_ this? "It can be broken only by true love's kiss."


	3. Chapter 3

It was disgustingly easy to find volunteers to kiss his little green brother. The news spread through Gladsheim like fire across dry grassland. Within half an hour every woman in the palace was lined up at the doors to their hall. Loki stood just inside them, next to the small high table where Thor sat, getting kiss after kiss. In between kisses, Thor strutted and jumped, displaying all his frogly prowess. The smirk on his little face grew with each sigh of disappointment. He was actually _enjoying_ this. Maybe even as much as their mother was.

By sundown, every woman, and every girl of sufficient age, had tried and failed. Thor was not in the least discouraged. At dinner that night he ate his huge plate of flies with unseemly gusto, croaking along with the conversation.

"It is intolerable, trying to figure out what it is you are on about," Loki grumbled as they returned to their chambers. Thor rode on his shoulder, offering cheerful ribbits to the bowing servants.

The instant the door closed behind them he was rummaging through his bureau. He found what he wanted in the fourth drawer, wrapped in a piece of unbleached linen. A hornbook. He had bought several of them years ago, back when he thought he might be interested in the changes in rune forms. The runes on this particular one looked old-fashioned, but were still easy enough to read. He set it down on top of the dresser and put Thor next to it.

“You can read all these, can’t you?” he asked.

Thor flicked narrow eyes at him before sticking out his tongue and darting it about the smooth horn, spelling out his answer. “i still have my brain loki.”

“Fine. You can use this to talk instead of making those horrible noises.”

“all this kissing is fun,” Thor told him.

“It is _not_.”

“girls love me its fun.”

“At least one of us is enjoying it, I suppose,” Loki sighed. “We have a busy day tomorrow. All the village women have been summoned. That’s over three times as many as tried today. I’d better read up on amphibian skin care.”

***

The next day was more of the same. Everyone from blushing young maidens to blushing old women appeared as ordered, and each in turn pressed her lips against Thor’s head. There were frequent breaks for Loki to offer Thor snacks – with such a tiny stomach, he had to eat often – and other interruptions, nearly as long, when Thor continued to demonstrate his prowess for the admiring women.

“Can we please just keep this moving?” Loki hissed near midday.

Thor hopped over to the hornbook. “girls love me,” he answered.

There was no luck among the village women either. “You’ll begin a tour of the outer lands tomorrow,” Odin told them at their meal that night.

“the outer lands girls really love me,” Thor informed their father.

“Hmm,” grumbled Odin. “Start with the nobles.”

*

Neither the noblewomen, nor the daughters of the petty land-holders, nor the daughters of the land-workers found success. Thor didn't mind. He hopped about, croaking excitedly, until Loki set out the hornbook.

"vanaheim vanaheim vanaheim," Thor told him.

"Yes, brother. We'll try Vanaheim next. I'm sure Heimdall has already informed father of our failure here. By the time we arrive back home all the diplomatics should be in place for us to depart almost immediately."

"immediately," Thor insisted.

"Almost," Loki told him again. "I suppose one lilypad is quite like another, but I want one night in my own bed."

"vanaheim girls love me," he was informed.

*****

The agreements were made easily. The Vanir were clearly pleased at the thought of one of their own as consort of Asgard's future king, in possession of his ear and his heart alike. Loki spent the evening in his chambers, unpacking and repacking his bags while their mother took Thor to the pond. In other words, Thor got to go have fun while Loki was busy with luggage. Things always seemed to work out better for Thor. Even when he was a frog. It was so unfair.

"i want my own horse," Thor informed him the next morning.

"You're tiny. You will look ridiculous riding a horse all by yourself," Loki pointed out.

"no i wont ill look majestic i will ride on his head and everyone will be dazzled by my magnificence."

The argument continued until Loki pointed out that Thor's entire body was now, in fact, thinner than the reins favored by Aesir horsemen.

Even then, Thor protested. "i am the crown prince i cant ride in your pocket for a state entrance."

They finally agreed that Loki would walk, guiding his horse, while Thor rode proudly on its head. (There was, of course, a caveat: "i need a hammer.") Once they had made their procession from the Bifrost to Folkvang, where Freya waited to offer her blessings upon their mission, Thor would move to Loki's pocket while Loki got to ride his horse.

The trip to Vanaheim began as soon as Thor’s tiny hammer was forged. It wasn’t uru, which he protested, but Odin pointed out that it was pretty expensive to bribe a smith to go into the heart of a dying star, and wouldn’t it be better to hurry up and get this over with so he could heft Mjolnir once again?

“uru,” Thor insisted.

“You said you wanted to go immediately,” Loki pointed out.

“uru,” Thor said again, his tongue tapping loudly against the horn. It was the best he could do for emphasis.

“The Vanir girls are waiting for you,” Odin said.

“gold will do."


	4. Chapter 4

The people lined the streets, cheering and throwing flowers before the hooves of the horse on which Thor rode. Loki led it with what he hoped looked like stately gravity rather than a foul temper. Vanaheim was large and her people scattered wide. He just had to hope that Thor's true love happened to live in Freya's palace.

First, though, there was the matter of the women agreeing to it. Thor had been right when he said that Vanir women loved him, but he was not necessarily correct in assuming that they loved him in the same way as did those of Asgard. He had not visited the realm since childhood and his assurance of their adoration was based entirely on memories of having his hair ruffled by cooing women who towered over him. They hadn't seen the handsome man he had become, and he was hardly at his most appealing in his current form.

 _“That’s_ Thor?” said one of Freya's ladies.

Thor croaked and waved his hammer.

“I did tell you he’d been turned into a frog,” Freya pointed out.

“We thought you were joking,” said another.

“Well, you don’t have to kiss him if you don’t want to. I’m certainly not going to order anyone.”

“I’m not saying I _won’t._ I just want to get some clarification first. So, the idea is that a kiss from his true love will turn him back into Thor-“

Thor croaked again, loudly, and gave another flourish of his hammer.

“-turns back into his usual form,” she corrected. “And whoever does that will marry him – in his usual form – and one day be queen of Asgard. Is that correct?”

Loki shrugged. “She’ll be Thor’s true love, so that’s what he would want, and I'd presume the whole true love thing goes both ways, but kissing him isn’t a commitment on your part. If he turns back and you find out you don’t like him-“

Thor gave a small, wounded ribbit.

“Yes, I _know_ you think everyone loves you, but you don’t want to find yourself married to the person who proves you wrong. As I was saying, if you find out you don’t like him, you’ll have the gratitude of all Asgard.”

“And a suitable reward?” she demanded.

“This hammer is pure gold,” Loki offered.

“The hammer and…” she prompted.

Loki sighed. “The hammer and a hundred more pieces of gold besides?”

She gave a firm nod. “Deal. I’ll do it.” She leaned down and kissed Thor’s head.

Nothing.

Loki turned to the remaining ladies. "Is the same agreement acceptable to you all?" He really hoped so. Fortunately, they nodded and shuffled into a line and he heaved a sigh of relief. Individual negotiations with everyone here would have taken months.

Months that would have been wasted, it turned out. There was no luck with any of them.

"I've had chambers readied for you. The nearest town is a full day's ride away," Freya said.

Loki thanked her. Thor gave her his very politest ribbit.

***

They were shown to their chambers to rest and ready themselves for that evening's state dinner. A second bathtub had been moved into the bathing room, its lack of steam showing that it was the one intended for Thor. He splashed about, diving to the bottom and then shooting up into the air and sending a surge of water over the sides of the tub when he crashed back into the surface.

“Can’t you just swim?” Loki groaned as yet another shower of tepid water fell upon him.

Thor slapped his front feet on his water, directing a more pointed spray at his brother.

Loki sat up. “Is this a game to you?” he asked.

Thor croaked.

“It is. You think it’s a game, mother thinks it’s _hilarious_ , and I’m the one who has to do all the work.”

Their mother, it turned out, wasn’t the only one who found the situation amusing. Thor sat on the table between Freya and Loki to eat his plate of flies. She was no better than Frigga at hiding her emotions.

***

They left Folkvang the next morning, the horse plodding slowly along so that Thor could perch safely between its ears as they rode through the crowded streets. Once they reached the countryside, Loki grabbed him and tucked him unceremoniously into one of his pockets. It was shallow enough that Thor could stick his head out and watch the countryside as they raced through it.

Frogs, it turned out, get motion sick.

“This is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever done,” Loki informed him as he knelt at the side of a stream, rinsing half-digested flies off his tunic.

Thor gave a tiny, miserable croak. If possible, he looked even greener than before.

“That’s it. I know you like seeing where we’re going, but I think you’d best just go to sleep and I’ll wake you up when we get there.”

Thor didn’t look happy, but he did as he was told.

“Maybe it’ll be in this next town. It’ll all be worth it if we find her in this next town,” Loki said to himself. He kept repeating it, over and over, for the next nine hours.

***

They didn’t find her in the next town, or the town after that. Or the next.

“There are only two more villages in Vanaheim, and then we must try yet another realm,” Loki sighed as he settled Thor onto the spare pillow on his bed. They were staying at a small tavern, the best that such an out of the way place had to offer. Loki had rented the entire building, unable to face the thought of yet another night's sleep ruined by drunken singing making its way through the floorboards. He probably could have borne it better were it not for Thor's firm conviction that he sounded good croaking along with it.

Thor jumped up and hopped to Loki’s bag, flicking his tongue at the clasp until Loki grudgingly rose and opened it. He took out the hornbook and held it up.

“midgard girls love me,” Thor assured him.


	5. Chapter 5

The preparations for Midgard were quite different from those for Vanaheim. For one thing, there was a dizzying number of powers, each one with its own petty little dominion. They could not simply send an emissary, as they had to Freya, to gain permission to wander where they might. For another, Midgard was _large,_ with people spread out and split up by vast oceans and broad prairies.

On the other hand, they were a simple people. Living in their little wooden huts, worshipping in their little wooden shrines... it would be the work of but a second to dazzle them with a spell or two and then they'd be lining up to do as he asked.

"start with my priestesses," Thor told him as he sat studying a map.

"Typical. Just like you to assume that your true love is someone who has already selflessly dedicated her life to your service. What about her own dreams? Her own ambitions? Maybe she loves working in the temple and finds complete fulfillment in that."

"nobody made them become priestesses they did it because they love me," Thor pointed out.

Loki grumbled, but he couldn't deny that Thor had a point. "Very well. It's been a little while since I've been to Midgard. At which temple would you like to start?"

"stockholm," Thor answered with a jaunty flick of his tongue. "its a tiny village but they are very devoted to me."

***

"Thor wants us to begin in Stockholm," Loki told their parents that evening as they ate a last meal together. "He says that the people there have a particular devotion to him."

"That is a very sensible way to go about the matter, Thor," Frigga praised.

Thor croaked and strutted about the table, waving his hammer and demonstrating how he intended to impress the Midgard girls.

***

In retrospect, Loki should have been more suspicious about the faint trace of amusement in Heimdall’s voice. Their exchange had been so brief, he told himself that he was hearing something that wasn’t there. He should have known better. Heimdall always sounded exactly how he meant.

 _Please send us to the very center of Stockholm,_ Loki had asked, and _Very well,_ Heimdall had said, golden eyes twinkling.

Travel via Bifrost, though it did not feel so, was far too fast to see anything more than a blur until they were standing on the solid ground of their destination. If it had allowed for a more measured pace, Loki might have avoid the impact. As it was, though, he saw nothing but the glare of the sun and bright streaks of color and heard only harsh blasts of noise before a metal chariot was in the middle of slamming into him.

He was thrown back by the impact and landed on his side. The ground her was deeply black and hard with white and yellow lines painted all over it. This was nothing at all like the small and rustic village he had been promised by-

“Thor!” he gasped, reaching for his pocket. He did not know how sturdy his brother’s current body was, and he was so relieved to learn that Thor was whole and hale that he barely minded simultaneously learning that frightened frogs will bite, and quite a bit more painfully than he would have guessed.

A crowd was forming around him as he stood and brushed himself off.

“Is he all right? He just appeared out of nowhere!” asked a high, wavering voice. “The light was green, it hadn’t even just turned, several cars had gone before me.”

“Who was it that dared attack the sons of Odin? Come forth and show yourself,” Loki snarled, rising to his full height and straightening his cape.

"I really didn't see you. I always try to be such a careful driver. Oh, my heavens," she said as she made her way through the ring of people to stand next to him. She was tiny, barely clearing his elbow, and looked... he could never guess mortals' ages, but she could easily have been a great-grandmother, whether she actually was one or not. She had gray curls and wrinkles atop wrinkles and twisting hands and gently faded blue eyes that blinked sweetly up at him.

"Ahem. No harm done," he told her.

"But look, your hand is hurt. You're bleeding!" she said. "My granddaughter lives not a block away. I was on my way to see her. At least come along and let her bandage you up. She's a doctor, and a very good one. She'll have you good as new in no time."

At that he perked up. "Granddaughter, you say? Is she by any chance single?"

"She is, and she's a lovely girl. I've been telling her for ages now that it's high time she settle down..."

Loki smiled. "Thank you. I think I would like my hand seen to."

"Lovely. Just hop in and we'll be there in a jiffy. I'm Britta."

"Loki."

She beamed at him. "A pleasure to meet you, Loki."

The carriage was strange and primitive, but the door mechanism was simple, and they had barely started before they were stopping again. The house was small and white with a tidy yard full of flowers.

Britta pulled a key from her bag and opened the door. "Solveig! I'm here!" she called. A young woman came into the room. She was tall with dark hair and shrewd eyes. _Just Thor's type,_ Loki thought to himself.

Solveig heaved an exasperated sigh. "Grandma, you can't keep hitting men with your car and bringing them over here," she said.

"What?" Loki said.

"I didn't see him, dear," Britta said with a click of her tongue.

"And where are your glasses?"

"I forgot them." She looked so innocent that Loki actually believed her until Solveig snorted.

"You forget them every time you come over." She turned to Loki. "Did she hurt you?"

He shook his head. "I have a slight injury on my hand, but that's all."

Her voice was dry. "As I suspected. She tries to avoid causing any serious damage for fear it'll make her victims less inclined to marry me. Come upstairs, I have bandages in the bathroom."

The creaky stairs were covered in multicolored carpeting, the sort that stands up to wear and doesn't show stains. Practical. Sensible. Just the right sort of woman to keep Thor in check. "How do you feel about frogs?" he asked her.


	6. Chapter 6

Loki was still rubbing his eye when they got back to the observatory. Heimdall had a healing stone ready to treat it before it could blacken. "It's really the least you could do," Loki snapped. "Putting us down in the middle of a road like that, you should be summoned before the All-Father to answer for it. I don't remember Midgard girls being able to hit so hard.”

"The bridge is by its nature drawn to those points where one ley line crosses another. I guide it but cannot determine the exact placement, as you know full well."

Loki glared, but he could make no argument. Instead he retrieved his brother from one pocket and the hornbook from the other. "Well, Thor. Have you a second choice?"

"If I may..." Heimdall interrupted. "Your lady mother sent a message for you. She has read the signs and tells you that success on Midgard will be found in New York or not at all."

"I know of _York_..." Loki said.

"This city is in North America, and though the settlement is ancient it has been a city for only a few short centuries."

Loki sighed. "Very well. Back in the pocket, Thor."

***

It was ridiculous. Twice today the Bifrost had carried them to Midgard, and twice today it had placed them right in the middle of the path of these horseless metal carriages. Worse, the person who emerged from the chariot made Solveig and her left uppercut seem friendly and welcoming.

"What the hell is _that_ outfit?"

"My _armor_ is what protected me from your unprovoked assault, and is far more sensible than your ridiculous undershirt and dungarees. I demand a full and immediate apology if you wish to avoid my wrath."

"Oh, fuck off, nerd. If you weren't so busy playing SCA in the middle of the road I never would have hit you. Do you need an ambulance or are we done here?"

Loki blinked and tried again. "I play at nothing. I am a god, you puny mortal, one with the power to crush you like a _**FLY** ,_ and-"

At that, Thor, who could hear only random snippets of the conversation from his place in Loki's pocket, grew excited at the thought of lunch. "Ribbit! Ribbit!" he cried.

"Hush, Thor!" Loki scolded.

"Jesus H Christ. You have a pet frog named Thor? I can't take this. Here's my insurance info, if you have to go to the hospital. I'm done here," said the would-be assassin, handing him a piece of paper.

Loki took it with a sigh. Most of the people here were walking at the sides of the roadway on hard gray paths. He melted into one and began to walk, his eyes darting about for anything of promise. After how hard Solveig had popped him, he was rather more reluctant to ask random women if they might be interested in kissing a frog, but he had to start somewhere. Defeat was just threatening to drown his soul when he saw it. A wide, single-story building with a solid stream of women pouring inside and none leaving. A simple sign hung above the door. _Sappho’s Dream_ , it said. That sounded welcoming.

“Perfect,” Loki whispered to himself.

He joined the line of women waiting to enter. He got quite a few strange looks, but as he had already concluded that his armor was so far from this realm's normal garb he thought little of it. When he got inside he had to stop and blink a moment while his eyes adjusted to the dim lighting. Once he could see, he saw that the place was _entirely_ full of women. He (and Thor, if Thor counted) was the only man in the whole building.

He circled the busy dance floor to reach the bar. A single stool was open, right on the end, and he sat down and gave a charming smile to the woman next to him. Her smile back was somewhat less than welcoming but he was determined.

“Might I interest you in a proposition with the potential to make all your dreams come true?” he asked.

“Depends what it is.”

“I have here in my pocket a frog in dire need of kissing,” he said in his most winning voice.

“Sounds dreadful,” she said flatly.

“But if you’re his true love, he will turn into a handsome prince. _Thor,_ crown prince of Asgard, and he will marry you and make you queen of the Realm Eternal,” Loki explained. There was no way she could turn that down.

“Sounds dreadful.”

He tried the bartender, then the woman who stood next to him waiting to order a drink. He tried everyone on the dance floor who would speak to him (a surprisingly low number). Not a one would even attempt to kiss Thor. He finally decided that any further attempts would simply be a waste of bad time after good, and he left.

It was after perhaps another ten minutes of walking that he saw the place that really had to be it. It just had to be. It was a storefront with black curtains covering the windows and a flashing hot pink sign reading _Girls Girls Girls_.

"That's it," he whispered.

The man at the door was reluctant to take his gold until a quick charm had him all smiles and welcome. Loki went through the door and found himself at the back of a dimly lit room full of men with foul-smelling drinks and their eyes locked on the stage where three nearly nude women were performing quite strikingly complex acrobatics about a metal pole. Loki nodded to himself, satisfied. Their natural athleticism paired with Thor's strength would make Asgard's future heirs unstoppable. The chance of finding Thor's love here had to be very high indeed.

Another glance around revealed that there were a few women in the audience as well, though they were not watching. They were straddling the laps of a few men, bouncing and grinding against them as the men stuffed green paper into their small articles of clothing. He watched as the one nearest him stood up with a teasing smile at the man she left behind.

"You like what you see?" she asked him.

"I am heartily impressed by the abilities of you and your friends," he told her.

"Would you like a go?"

"Most assuredly."

She led him to an empty chair. He trailed behind, taking some of the paper from the unseeing men as he went. By the time she was across his lap his pockets were full.

"So, what do you like, honey?"

"I would particularly desire a kiss," he told her.

She shook her head. "Huh-uh. No kissing, no touching. It's in the rules. I can get fired for breaking them."

"Oh, not for me! For my... uh, pet frog." He pulled Thor out of his pocket and held him up.

"You want me to kiss your frog?"

"If you would be so kind."

She thought a moment. "Four hundred bucks."

He pulled a handful of money from his pocket and counted out five hundred. It was wise to be generous with the possible future queen of Asgard. He handed it to her and she leaned down and gave Thor a long and noisy kiss on the top of his head.

Nothing.

He refused to let himself be let down by this. All the women here had potential. He simply had to work his way through them.

So that was what he did. Every single one of them left his lap with a large stack of money and no handsome prince. It was near dawn when he left his chair and made his way out onto the near-empty streets. He walked through the hazy half-light until they reached a wide green garden where he sat on a bench and set Thor down next to him.

“This city is so large, and these people bear no respect for your name. Shall we leave here and try a more familiar realm, and return only if we find no success elsewhere?” Loki asked. He held the hornbook out for Thor to answer.

“lets just go home,” Thor spelled out.

Loki looked down at his brother. His little froggy shoulders were slumped in defeat, and the flick of his tongue had no life to it.

"But Alf girls love you."

"i just want to go home."

Thor was terribly arrogant. He was rash and arrogant and unthinking, and yet for all his faults Loki could not help loving him dearly. Loki had never thought to see him defeated and something deep in his chest ached with it.

“Oh, Thor," he sighed. "I promise, we’ll find an answer somehow." He leaned down and laid a gentle kiss on his brother’s head.

When he drew back, he found himself staring into shining blue eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading and for all the awesome feedback, everyone!


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